My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Stop sending me this shit.
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[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback