Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.