Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
is this a warning or an offer?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
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deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.