My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Sorry not sorry.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.