[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
So creative 😂
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source