If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
You Might Also Like
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Need WebMD
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
need him
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*