Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
You Might Also Like
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
This is my bus stop.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
honestly, i need both:
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
When can I start eating bats again.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave