HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
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I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess