PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her