I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit