I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Danger is very dangerous
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.