This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
taking June’s advice to heart
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.