Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
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Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Do one person every day that scares you.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.