Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
How high do the levels go?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not