While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.