Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
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My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Succinctly put.
The 6 types of sex
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste