Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.