I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.