When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Jogging
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case