Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉