Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off