[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
the three branches of government
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Smallpox sounds so adorable