All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
how it started vs how it ended
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom