Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Ghost costume 😂
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money