Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.