General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch