‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
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I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld