Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.