Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
You Might Also Like
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Kids, do not try this at home!
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation