“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
sliding into dms like
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.