Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
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When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
In case you needed to hear it:
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.