Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Britain be like
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼