Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
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Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.