My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
When the stylist spins you back around
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
What
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.