Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
You Might Also Like
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be