ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
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[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.