My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
You Might Also Like
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.