This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
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Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
pizza
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.