I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
how much for the angry fruit?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.