Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Bike is short for Bichael.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone