I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
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A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
yeah no that’s fair
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests