Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Ah yes. The three genders
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury