flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.