break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
You Might Also Like
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.