“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
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me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?