Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
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For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
$4 #usedbooks
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I did not eat the cake…
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid