[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.