Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???