When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.