For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks