Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
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[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Those are good neighbors.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that