“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
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I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.